Re-evaluation: "Not Who You Think I Am"
Today marks 296 days since my last post.
I didn't know how to start this post; I didn't know what I wanted to write about, what I wanted to say, or where I'd get the motivation to even think about writing anything.
Then, I thought to myself, "JUST BE HONEST, GIRL!" So here goes nothing ...
Life has been extremely complicated for me lately, but somehow I still found myself back here, almost a year later - writing. I'll admit, that isn't good enough of an excuse, granted. Life becomes demanding and grainy for everyone at some point. School gets overwhelming, sports become rigorous, you're gaining friends, losing friends, figuring out what fits you and what doesn't - but in the end ... you still don't know exactly why you're doing what you're doing. You're just living, trying to make it. I get it. That's me.
I was 14 years old when I created the Modern Afro-Framework. It was a great idea at first, at least that's what I wanted myself to believe. I wrote at least once a month, or whenever I felt the urge to grab my computer and attack my keyboard for half an hour. I had a decent number of readers, maybe 20 subscribers - on a good post. My topics were predictable, but still taboo.
Now, I'm 16, and believe it or not, I hate writing essays for school, so why the heck am I volunteering to write blogs for fun? I'm still not sure why I decided to write blogs. I think as a teenager, though, we're never sure of anything. I'm not really sure what I'm going to even wear tomorrow, if we're being honest here. But being unsure is the beautiful part of our journey. We live, we learn ... and in the end we grow. Our character down the road is a representation of a journey of corrected mistakes, experiences, and obstacles we've overcome.
And I had to soon realize that's what life is all about.
I used to think perfection was the definition of acceptance . I spent a lot of time living my life through the lenses of perfection, and if not that, then I believed that I wasn't good enough. I spent so much time trying to be picture perfect that I lost focus of my life and who I wanted to be. I was afraid to make mistakes or to do or say things that people wouldn't approve of. Even if I wasn't doing something that I felt like I should have been doing (in the name of social acceptance), I thought I was a disappointment. I didn't know who I was or who I was trying to be. And I still don't. At first I blamed myself for a lot of the moments of my uncertainty, but during that, I learned that it is okay to not be perfect.
It's okay if life doesn't make sense instantly, or if the pieces to the puzzle don't fit. Truth is, I don't even have all the pieces to complete the picture yet! I learned to embrace my flaws, my mistakes, my confusion, my uncertainty - my journey.
I taught myself one thing: if you continue to live your life walking over shattered glass, you'll never truly make it to the finish line because you've endured a journey of anxiety and worrying if you'll step on a small piece of glass. Instead, take that first wrong move and step on a piece of glass. Then learn that, "Dang man, this piece of glass hurts! I'm gonna' go grab a broom to sweep this piece up." , then try again. And if you step on something else sharp say, "Okay, how about a pair of shoes now??"
Life is all about the experience and trying new things that work for you. "It's a journey, not a destination", and there's no right or wrong way to live life either. Of course we can all be inspired, but truth is you are your biggest inspiration. Every journey encompasses a uniqueness of its own. Every life story has a different genre, and God created us for us to create our own story.
Which brings me to why I named this post, "REEVALUATION".
I had to truly reevaluate my life. I would say I reevaluated my purpose, but truth is, I don't know my purpose yet. And I'm comfortable saying that now without caring to find someone judging that fact.
"I've renamed the mission of this website, and many of the posts will be centered around something a little different."
This blog is my canvas for the experiences of the journey of a teenage African-American girl who is finding herself through the the darkness of her internal and external battles.
Welcome to my journey, read along!
SN: Amid the COVID-19 coronavirus pandemic, please stay safe and healthy guys! Watch the news and keep up with a reliable source to stay in the loop about things. Practice social distancing, and STAY HOME! We will get through this!