"Alone time" has definitely took on a new meaning after being home and away from everyone lately.
It has given me more time to become more acquainted with my inner self and be in tune with my thoughts. Being alone has made me more aware and keen to my energy - where and how I transfer it, and the energy I surround myself with. It has given me peace with myself and has taught me how to be assertive with my time and who I choose to spend it with. I've learned how to be kind, tender, and gentle with myself because I deserve it. I've started to appreciate the little things I either took for granted or never realized about myself. Ultimately, being alone during this quarantine is what I needed; I just never knew it. Since then, this has been an experience of finding and balancing my sanity on my own.
When the pandemic first spread and quarantining became a thing, I was bored and emotionally challenged every day. I would lie in bed all day in misery, endlessly reloading my social media accounts and eating ALL. DAY. LONG. I thought I had too much time to myself, and I was desperate to go out somewhere and do something - regardless of "Miss Rona". Just the thought of being "stuck at home" for an undisclosed amount of time overwhelmed me. There was nothing to do, and it drove me crazy. At least that's what I initially believed.
Looking back, I had no clue as to how to spend time with myself because I never allowed myself to do so. I had become so dependent on the energy of other people that I forgot how to create energy for myself. I feel like we, as a people, have normalized the idea that being alone is similar to a state of depression. And we panicked when the time finally came.
I'm here to testify, that elevation requires isolation. Spend time with yourself. "The key to understanding others is being able to understand ourselves first (Anonymous)"
I've broken bad habits and tried new habits. I've set goals that I would have never set before because now I am my only distraction. I've also become friends with the Amazon guy that delivers packages in my neighborhood, but that's beside the point.
I've recently come across a new journey, however, and that is building a relationship with God.
I grew up in a Christian home under Christian morals and the idea that God is everything. I didn't ask questions. I just knew that "He sits high, and he looks low". I knew that I should fear God and that I had to say my prayers before I ate and went to bed. And that was pretty much it.
I reached a point in this quarantine where knowing that wasn't enough for me . I questioned myself and I asked, "Who is God, and is he real?" I became curious as to how powerful he really is. I wanted to know for myself, not just because that's what I was raised to believe. Nevertheless, one night I prayed. I asked God to test my faith and to put me in situations to strengthen my understanding of him. I asked God for hope and humbleness. I asked him for patience, balance, and consistency with my life and to protect the people around me. I asked to feel his presence and to be able to spread my love and joy for him with a testimony of my own to bare. I took that, and I began to pray each day: morning and night (and of course before dinner haha). Each prayer I thanked him for another day, another journey, and another opportunity to be able to live through my destiny.
But ...that still wasn't enough. That still didn't answer my question.
I took it a step further, and I became interested in fasting. I wanted to see if it really worked and if it was something that would honestly gravitate me closer to God. And so, that's what I did. I had never fasted before, or sacrificed anything (with consistency and integrity), but I told myself "here goes nothing", because I wanted to build a relationship with God. Nothing more.
I deleted my social media accounts and I only consumed liquids (chicken broth and water haha) during the duration of my fast. I chose those two things to sacrifice because they're honestly just two things I thought I couldn't live without. Fasting taught me, "less of me, and more of God." It shifted my perspective as to what should matter more in my life. It allowed me to step back and to understand how much I had valued and praised other things to the point where I was sick without it. Every time my stomach growled or I unlocked my phone with the intention to get on Instagram, I prayed (no matter the time of day). I continued to ask God for balance, patience, and consistency with myself, and with him. During my fast, I didn't make it known that I was fasting. It was something that I kept to myself, because strengthening my relationship with God was something that I wanted to do for ME, not because it sounded good or I wanted a pat on the back from someone else.
I began to listen to podcasts and watch other people talk about about their testimonies with God. Any time I thought of giving in on what I was supposed to be sacrificing, I filled that weakness with God. I had to teach myself that he's ultimately all that I need in times where I can't function without something else. I taught myself to talk to God more, without all the distractions that I've programmed my life to accept.
Last but not least, I began to meditate. I took deep breaths and inhaled oils, and I sat in the dark and just talked to myself. I talked to God. I wrote in journals. I started to find the time to tap into myself and what was going on with ME. I allowed myself the time to pour into myself and nothing else.
As structured as everything I just said seems, I am STILL on a journey to getting closer to and understanding God more. That journey will never cease.
Being alone allowed me to learn and accept myself for who I am without any judgement or distractions. It allowed me to connect with God more than ever. Once you allow yourself to that, nothing else will matter to you. I hope you enjoyed this post and that it inspired you in some way. Remember to be kind to your mind and to stay safe during these uncertain times. I love you all, peace <3.